Post-partum Depression: “I floated around the House like a Ghost”

Rotem Busani was 33 years old when she gave birth to her second son. She had no idea her life would change drastically quite soon. Up until the birth she ran a bridal shop and after the birth things began to change her entire life around. Rotem describes her dealing with the challenge of post-partum depression in an interview with the Israel Hayom newspaper. “I found myself impatient with my son and I wasn’t able to cope. I would hold him and cry because I couldn’t cope, what kind of mother was I? I wanted this baby so much, I felt so ready for him so why was I so angry with him if he wouldn’t feed properly in the middle of the night? In my husband’s arms my baby was so calm and in my arms he’d start to cry. It made me feel so inadequate.”

“I would get up and float around the house like a ghost and then go back to sleep. I hated myself and I hated everyone. I shouted at everyone and the whole idea of children made me go mad. Initially I was really calm and took care of my second boy patently. I realized that I must have had depression form the first birth and now I was proud of myself that this birth I was managing. That lasted 3 days. I didn’t sleep 3 nights straight and got 104 fever. My business was really pressurized and I began to crack. It was one big emotional avalanche that worse than any nightmare. I had hallucinations that I can begin to describe. When I started psychiatric treatment the pills took away my plans I dreamt up (in fantasy) and I was sure everyone was against me. My business was closed and I had to be away from my family. I felt my whole world was coming apart.”

“I slept at my parents’ house basically 24/7 and floated around like a ghost as I said before. I just wanted to run back to my family. My family was awesome and understood me far better than the psychiatrist that knew me for only a week. But I understood that I’d have to work hard and listen to the instructions to be focused on one thing alone; to get my family back. I made peace with losing the business in order to focus on getting better and I began to appreciate the little things in life that made me feel good.”

“Once the pressure was gone I was becoming the ‘Rotem that laughs’ like I used to. I soon became the mother I wanted to be and the housewife I wanted to be. Beforehand this really upset me and brought me to an abyss I thought I’d never climb out of. My older son still needs more time but he knows I feel love for him.

“I want every mother to know that it is okay. It doesn’t matter what you feel, you’re not alone, you just feel alone. Remember that nobody is demanding perfection from you except for yourself. Allow yourself emotions, allow yourself to cry and share and don’t try to hide your feelings. Do yourself a favor and leave your feelings of guilt behind at the maternity ward.”