1. “You don’t listen to me.”
2. “You don’t talk to me.”
HUSBAND’S RESPONSE:
“We talked about whatever was necessary. I really don’t understand what is bothering you. You talk so much on the phone with your friends and family, why do you need to talk to me so much?
WHO’S RIGHT?
The husband sees conversation with his wife as a way of transmitting information; his wife sees conversation as a way to forge an intimate connection with her husband. A woman sees communication as connection, whereas the husband mainly talks in order for her to know something she needs to know, like details about finances, shopping, education of children, health matters, etc.
Women also talk to their husbands for practical reasons but she uses speech mainly as a sort of proof that they’re connected, and to build that connection. A husband must understand that his wife needs him to talk with her not because she has no one else to speak to, but because she has a pure and natural need to speak specifically to him!
This is the reason why a woman continues to talk even after he understands what she is saying from the first sentence. When he says as much, she gets hurt and insists that he listen until she finishes. Parenthetically, we are talking about a special consideration that is different from all other kindnesses that a man can do. Anything else in the world can be done by others instead of him. But to fulfill his wife’s need to connect with her husband through conversation? This can only be done by him, and it obligates him.
WHAT’S THE SOLUTION?
A husband should initiate conversation, preferably when he first comes home. And it can’t hurt to add a phrase such as, “I waited all day for the moment when I could share this with you.” This approach will give a strong message of your desire for connection.
The fact that you are the initiator is the key here. This gives your wife a feeling of security in your relationship and reduces her need for drawn-out conversations to prove that the relationship is strong. Tell her you wish you had more opportunity to spend time talking together.
Truthfully, according to her nature, you couldn’t possibly talk enough to satisfy her. And when she hears you admit that, she will already feel calmer. “He is connected to me, he loves me and wants to talk to me, but he is limited by time and work obligations that prevent him from having as much time to talk to me as he would like.” This knowledge gives her a sense of calm and happiness.
Adapted from ‘Happily Married – The Complete Guide to a Successful Jewish Marriage’ For Men, by Rabbi Zamir Cohen. Click Here to Buy Now
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